Frank Clark Short Stories

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“We have a restrictive covenant that prohibits trucks in here. The homeowners association will make you remove it. Tell Tom he will have ten days to move his truck out of here,” said Elliott Sizemore, president of the association.

“Oh no, that’s my truck.  He likes luxury, but I like power.  It’s a ‘Meteor Classic,’ loaded with all the luxuries plus power.  It is super powered by a rugged hemi 16 cylinder engine.  Just a tap of the pedal and you will zoom out of here.  Twenty two hundred horses power this baby,” said Audrey proudly with a delightful smile.

“This truck is not you.  Ladies don’t drive trucks.  Only men drive trucks.  You are a woman with class.  You need luxury and not power.  The ‘LaMonte’ is your style,” said Elliott hoping to convince Audrey to return to conformity.

“Look Elliott, I’m a new type of woman.  Free to be me.  I will have it no other way.  It’s time to change the rules here,” said Audrey with a stance ready to fight.  The right leg is bent at the knee and firmly planted in front of her.  Audrey’s left leg is stretched behind her to provide support for her as she moves forward.  She makes a one, two punch forcefully to her side looking Elliott straight in the eye.  He stares her down hoping to intimidate her into submission.  Audrey just ignores him and does another one, two.

“You cannot have this truck in here.  It’s not what we want. I wonder what the neighbors will think.  This is ‘Alegria Estates,’ not ‘Hillbilly Hills.’  We are high class and not trash. This is an eyesore and a classless nuisance.  It must go.  It will go,” said Elliott with his finger pointed directly at Audrey.

Audrey points her finger back at Elliott saying “You are not the almighty here.  How dare you dictate to me.  I will fight to the end.  I will not make it easy for you, and I mean it.”

“Look at it, jacked up ten feet above the ground with monster tractor tires.  This vehicle will never fit into your garage.  You know that everyone is expected to park their cars inside their garages at seven p.m. sharp. That truck will never fit in there,”  said Elliott.

“My truck does has style.  It’s painted with a metallic raspberry red with sparking specks across it’s finish.  On it’s side panel, as you see, there is a graphic of silver stars spilling down from the sky from the upper left corner of the door.  At the base of the panel, the stars become iridescent flowing like a river across the the edge, then rise up to the upper right corner, then streaking across the tail gate.  Across the panel of stars, scripted in pink and outlined in raspberry, are the words in a lower case, ‘free to be me.’  Now that is magnificent.  Wouldn’t you agree?”

“Audrey, your truck does have class and it is luxurious, but I’m afraid it must go.  The association will vote against it.” said Elliott.

“Elliott, who makes the decision about my truck?” said Audrey in a resigned manner.

“It’s the association.  The bylaws of the association already make it clear that no truck belongs here.  There’s nothing I can do about it.    I got an idea.  How about the ladies from the association board take a look at your truck?” said Elliott in a hopeful tone of voice.

“That’s fine with me.  Where shall we meet and when?” said Audrey with a hopeful tone of voice, too.

“Well, Audrey, it will be the women of the committee.  There are three of them.  You know them well.  They will be awfully critical of it.  The  three are, Countess Vanessa LaFortunata, the richest woman  here.  Second is Stella Alvarez.  She has tagged herself as the ‘queen of Alegria.’  It was she that drafted the ordinance including a clause that no trucks are allowed here.  She knows how to charm and influence the committee to follow her dictates. We already know her decision.  It will be no,” said Elliott in a resigned tone of voice.

“Lastly, Maybelline Avonage.  She knows what is beauty and what is not.  Maybelline has an eye for glamour.  She may like the style and color, particularly the raspberry red frosted by a sea of stars.”

“I will even add a man, Sir Anthony of Empathy to view your truck and to give an honest opinion about it.  He is someone who has good judgement and he will try to give a fair assessment of it.  He is no knight in shining armor.  He may or may not rule against you,” said Elliott in an assuring voice.

“Again, Elliott, where shall we meet and when?” “At twelve noon tomorrow at the clubhouse.  Look your best and have your truck sparkling like diamond stars.  See you then,” said Elliott. “I’ll be ready to accept their approval.  Got to be positive about it,” said Audrey.

The three ladies and gentleman arrive at the association clubhouse.  Audrey is standing next to her truck moving her hand across it’s hood and side panel to point out it’s most noticeable feature, the graphic of shining stars.

“Well, what do we have here?  I see you have lowered your standards, Audrey.  This is a nuisance and quite vulgar, I must say.  It must go.  I’ll see to it,” said Countess Vanessa LaFortunata.

Stella Alvarez speaks her mind. “Simply, it must go.  I will direct the committee to see it my way, and they will, Audrey,”  in a snobbish manner and her arrogant way.

“Maybelline Avonage, your opinion, please,” said Elliott. “You call this luxurious with class?  I think not.  It has no glamour.  Audrey, you should have, at least, applied some blush and lip gloss.  And a string of pearls would have swayed my opinion, but it does not.”

“Sir Anthony of Empathy, your assessment, please?” said Elliott with an appeal for Audrey. “Mrs. Ventura, I will give you an unbiased  assessment of your truck.  It has charm, it has style, but it is not a ‘LaMonte.’  Common sense tells me a truck is not a car.  It has no luxury at all.   I’m sorry, Audrey, but to tell you the truth, it doesn’t belong here.”

“Ladies and gentleman, and you too, Audrey.  We will meet here at the clubhouse tomorrow at seven o’clock in the evening.  Audrey, you and Tom, both, must be there.  See all of you then,” said Elliott with style and charm.

Audrey and Tom appear before the homeowners association. “Mr. and Mrs. Ventura, you have violated the rules here.  We have a restrictive covenant that requires every homeowner to drive motorcars of class.  A truck does not belong here,” said association president Elliott Sizemore.

Audrey to the committee. “I have come to the realization that I no longer fit the mold here.  Conformity is not for me.  I’m a new type of woman.  Free to be me,” said Audrey.

“Mr. Ventura, what do you think of your spouse’s rebellious ways?” said Elliott waiting to hear his comments about the ‘new type of woman.’ “Well, Audrey is not the same.  She attended a seminar a month ago called ‘For Women Only.’  She came home so excited. Audrey said, ‘I’m a new type of woman.  Free to be me.’”

Committee chair, Elliott Sizemore, seeks recommendations from the committee.  ”Countess  LaFortunata, your decision?” “Mrs. Ventura no longer belongs here.  Although she has wealth, she no longer is a lady, but a woman who wants her freedom.  She must be granted her wishes.”

“And you, Sir Anthony, you are a man of wisdom and stature, your recommendation for the Ventura’s?”  ”This is a matter of principle.  Logic tells me it doesn’t make sense for them to stay.  My judgement is to expel them from ‘Alegria.’”

“Maybelline, does Audrey appear to be a woman of class and distinction?”  said Elliott hoping for a sway to the positive in favor of Audrey.  ”No, Elliott.  She no longer cares about keeping up appearances.  She has let herself go.  She is not a lady of glamour and has to go.  A truck is not a ‘LaMonte.’  Sadly, Audrey, you must go and your truck, too.”

“Senora Alvarez, your judgement call?” said Elliott with the last appeal for Audrey.   “They longer are elitist.  She has lowered her standards.  Women of class do not drive trucks.  The bylaws state that a truck is not allowed here.  It must go.”

Chairman Sizemore to Mr. and Mrs. Ventura. “What do you want to do, conform or rebel?”  ”I’m a new type of woman.  Free to be me. I want to go,” said proudly by Audrey to the committee. “Mr. Ventura, since Audrey is a ‘new type of woman,’  she deserves the freedom to go.   Now, Mr. Ventura, your decision?”  ”I’m a new type of man.  Free to be me.  We must go,” said in a joyful tone of voice by Tom Ventura.”   “I, and the committee, rule in your favor, you are free to leave,” said Elliott Sizemore to the Ventura’s.

Tom to Audrey.   “My darling, you’re free to be you.  I’m free to be me.  Remember we belong to each other.”   “We do, indeed,” said Audrey with a sparkle in her eyes.

Tom and Audrey embrace and leave the clubhouse arm in arm. “Now, who is driving what?  You the LaMonte and me the truck.   You know, women don’t drive trucks,” Tom said laughingly.  Audrey responds with a smile, “I drive a truck and men drive luxury.  I’m a new type of woman.  Free to be me.”

“A pack of dogs, on the run?  Mutts, junkyards, pedigrees?  Crossing Pine at Magnolia?         Coming my way, get Lillie in?  Don’t need a dog n’ cat fight?  Where is Buffy?  Bring my dillywhacker, meet at street, no time to waste?  Call Lurleen?  A pack of five? On my way dear,” said Emma to Mary Lou.  ”Calling Sam, our reliable dogcatcher.  He knows how to handle rabid dogs.  Catch net and whistle will subdue them all.  He’s a man of courage.  We can count on Sam,” said by Mary Lou to Emma.

“Lurleen, this is Emma.  Dogs are on the loose.  Mad dogs and foaming at the mouth.  Bring  your artillery.”  ”Hanging out my wash.  Will clothespins do?” said Lurleen.  ”Bring them.  Must hurry.  It’s a pack of five. Call Virginia!” said Emma in a hyper tone of voice.

“Virginia, this is Lurleen.  Vicious dogs heading your way.  Heard they are hungry.  Bring in ‘Pom Pom’ and her pork chop, too.  They can wait for lunch in pound.  Hurry.  Bring your broom.   We need to make a clean sweep.  Call Lolita.  No time to waste.  A pack of five,” said Lurleen.

“Lolita, need you right away.  Deranged dogs on the run.  I know Jim and Joyce are hiding in the closet.  Record ‘Hospital Lovers’ for later. They will still be there tomorrow. Grab your rake.  For heaven’s sake,” said hurriedly by Virginia, “And call Daberta.” “She’s watching ‘Hospital Lovers,’ too.  Never misses an episode,” said Lolita.  ”Get her away from the tube.  Bring your mace, I mean your tape and lace.  We will round them up and tie them down.  Hurry!” said Virginia.

“We pick up today where we left off.  Jim eyes Joyce across the hall.   He nods his head to signal to Joyce his desire for her.  Joyce nods her head back to Jim.  ’Hospital Lovers’ will continue in a moment.”  ”Nurse Cratchet, please monitor patient in critical care.  We cannot leave him alone.  He needs to be nursed back to health.  A professional is needed.  Thank you,” said Joyce in a nervous and rushed voice.

Joyce, thinking to herself.  My lover awaits me.  My heart is pounding.  My, he looks so fine.  Jim can’t wait to get with me.  I know this is not appropriate behavior, but with Hospital Lovers, anything goes here.  

“Not a good time to call.  In the middle of things.  Rinsing greens.  Peas in the pot. Cornbread with peppers in the oven, spread with a coat of butter.  Banana pudding cooling in the fridge,” said Daberta and back to Lolita.  ”Girl, I can’t miss ‘Hospital Lovers.’  Jim and Joyce just closed the hall door.  Just know it’s hot in there.  Oh, I am so hot, too.” “Killers on the run. This is urgent.  Mongrels hunting for prey.  A pack of five,” said Lolita. “Need to bring ‘Prissy.’  She knows how to charm the men.  Dabbing her with ‘Alure,’ from head to tail, as we speak,” said Daberta back to Lolita.  ”Okay, bring her.  A distraction may lure to our defense.  Let’s get out of here!”     

All are meeting one street over, Carnivore Alley.  ”Yes, this is risky, but we must do.           A pack of five.  All killers ready to prey.  Got your weapons, girls?  Broom, rake, mace, I mean lace, clothespins, and my dillywhacker.   Here, leather boots, coats, and pants.  None of us can afford to go rabid crazy.  Must use caution, and listen to my commands.  That way we will all know the plays.  A strong defense is what we need.  Ready to fight? Ready to strike?  A battle we will win,” said by Mary Lou in a commanding and spirited voice.  ”A pack of five.  Five of us to match their might.  Again, we will fight and we must strike,” said again by Mary Lou in a devious and shrewd snicker.

“I see them coming, over the hill.   A calvary of five.  Sprinting by ground and in air.  An aggressive assault, defeat their intent.  We must stand strong and fight to the end.  Ready? Charge!” said Mary Lou with dillywhacker in hand.

“Yap,yap, yap, yap.  Growl.  Yap, yap, yap, yap.  Swat, swat, swat.  Snap, snap, snap.  Swat, snap, swat, swap, swat, snap.  ”Where is Sam?” said Lurleen in a panic.  ”Two at me.   Please help.  Oh, please help me.  The mace, the mace, the lace, the lace,” said Emma in a panic of fear. Swat, swat. “Take that, you little varmint,”said Virginia, as she swipes her broom.  ”Let me at ‘em. ” said Mary Lou with dillywhacker in hand.  Whack, whack, whack. Swat, swat, swat.  Swat, whack.  Snap, snap.  Swat, whack, swat, whack.  Snap, snap, snap. Yap, yap, yap.  ”Oh, you want to fight?  How’s that whack?” said Mary Lou fighting the ferocious little mongrel.  ”Take that, take that, you little killer.”  One last, swat.  One last whack.  ”Now, get out of here.”  All cower away in defeat.

“Whew, what a fight,” said Emma gasping for air. “Me, too.  What a strike,” said Daberta.   “Where were you?  Certainly not on the front line,”  said Lolita.  So, ‘Prissy’ fizzled out in fear?” said Mary Lou.  Virginia to all, with chin on broom.  ”We really swept them away.     I really swept them away.”  ”Says who?” said Lurleen irked at Virginia.  The heroine of the hour.  ”We are all heroes.  We banded together and victory is our win,” said Mary Lou smiling with glee.

“I’m hungry. wings anyone?  The treats on me.  Dilly Dog?”said Daberta in an apologetic sound of voice.  ”I’m in.  I’m in.  I’m in and I’m in,” said  Mary Lou, Emma, Lurleen, Lolita, and Virginia.  ”Can ‘Prissy’ go, too?  She cheered you on.  On the side line, I was rooting for you,” said Daberta to all.  ”Yeah, come on.  You did say the Dilly’s are on you?  Then, you’re in,” said Mary Lou.  The other’s all say.  ”You’re in.”

“Did anyone see them?” said Mary Lou.  ”I don’t recall, but they were small,” said Lurleen. “There’s the ‘Dilly Dog,’ up ahead.  All, in a fast pace, “here we are at the ‘Dilly Dog, Dilly Dog, Dilly Dog,”  all in unison.  ”Familiar, I see,” laughingly said by Emma.  ”There’s the pack of five.  All killers, I see.  Ha, ha, ha,”  Lurleen exclaimed.  ”There’s Sam, dog in hand and soda, the other,” said Lolita with a laugh and a smile.  ”Now, ‘Prissy,’ mind your manners.  Mama’s got a dog for you,” said Daberta in a motherly way.

“Now, Sam, I knew we could count on you.  Reward this pack of five and you are forgiven,” said Mary Lou awaiting a reply.  ”All of you, the pack of five, it’s on me.”  ”I see you rewarded the pack of five.  A hot dog for each, I see,” said Lurleen with hands on hips       and jokingly to Sam.  ”All killers, I see,” said Virginia, bent over with a laugh.                 “Pack of five meet the pack of five,” said Sam with a gleam in his eyes and a smirk on his face.

“Muffin, Ginger, Pom Pom, Spice Girl, and Buffy.  Where have you been?  So, you’re the pack of five,” said Mary Lou.  ”Muffin, bad girl,” said Emma.  ”You have been naughty, Ginger.  Never again,” said Lurleen.  ”I would have never thought, you in a pack of mongrels, Pom Pom.  Shame on you, shame on me.  Enjoy your dog.  No pork chop tonight,” said Virginia.  ”This is just like you, Spice Girl.  You are grounded.  Oh yes, grounded.  No TV for you.  Not on my lap.  No ‘Hospital Lovers,’” said Lolita in a rebuking tone of voice.  ”You know, Buffy, I warned you about this.  Back gate opened.  You’re in lock up for the rest of the day, after your hot dog,” said Mary Lou.  All laugh.

Daberta to all, “‘Hospital Lovers,’ thirty minutes away.  Ice cream on me.  Must hurry, out of the closet today.”

Old Town Neighborhood.

“Walk softly, because the termites are holding hands.”

“Hello, young folks, come on in.  Ready for the keys to your new home?  I’m Doris, agent  on duty today.  Can I get you a cola or coffee?  Well, all right, have a seat and we will take a look at our listings.  Excuse me, your names?  I have no manners.”  ”I’m Jillian, and this is my hubby, Jim.  We are ready to look at homes.”  ”No, you are ready to buy your home, today.  I will show you the home, point out all it’s special features and then, you will, sign on the dotted line.   That’s all you do.  I will walk you softly through it all.  We can close today,”  said Doris.  She’s the the top seller at Old Town Realty.

“Well, have you folks done some looking around?  You’re young, I bet this is your first home. I thought so.  This is special for you.  We will find the right home for you, today.  Where do you want to go, intown or the burbs? It’s your choice.  Since you are young,         I already have some affordable listings for you to see.  You’ll sign your offer, today.              A lot of young people want intown, in the old neighborhoods.  I bet you do, too. These homes can be a lot of work, unless you are a handyman.  You won’t have to contract the work out, Jim.  You look like a man of knowledge.  I bet you have the know how to do it all.  Many want to do it themselves.  You can, too,” said Doris.  She wants to go for the close, today.  She will get it.  Doris, ain’t top seller for nothing.

“We’ve been driving around some old, intown neighborhoods, and we just love them.       The old red brick homes have the nice, extra wide, wooden porch with a decorative   wooden rail that wraps around all three sides.  There are old wooden steps that climb   from the walk up to the porch.  The large framed windows are great for flower boxes.         A decorative wooden entry door with very nice ornamental wrought iron bars across the door, and on the windows, too.  Also, there are two ornamental wrought iron rails up each side of the steps which rise from the walk to the porch.  I’m sure they all add value to the home,” said Jillian.

“The other houses, on this oak shaded street, have ornamental wrought iron door bars and window bars, too.  Oh, I feel home already, just thinking about it.  One last thing, I really liked, was the nice neighborly hexagonal sidewalk that runs across the front, passing from home to home.  The walk just brings the neighborhood together,” said by Jillian in an excited tone of voice.

“The one thing I really like about the house is that the yard is small, less grass to mow.       Also, one great feature are the two hanging porch swings on each side of the porch.       Great for a summer breeze and a nice cold one, when I need it.  I’m sure we will entertain and the porch is extra wide for dinner guests for rest and relaxation, too.  They, too, can enjoy their beverage of choice on the cool shaded porch.  There will be rockers there,” said Jim.

“Sounds like you already know what you want.  Let’s get out of here.  I always say that because there is no time to waste.  Some other young couple is looking at the house right now.  We’ve got to beat them to it.  We will make the best offer that the seller won’t refuse.  You will buy your home today.  I got the papers in hand, all we’ll have to do is fill in the blanks. Then you will sign on the dotted lines, and I will present your offer. The seller will sign while you wait in the car.  This will be a fast deal, let’s get out of here,” said Doris.  They all laugh.

“All right, the old, historic, neighborhood is right up here, on the right.  Getting excited?  Yes, the name of the subdivision is ‘Old Town.’  Our agency is exclusive in this neighbor     hood.  We sell most of the homes.  I sell most of the homes.  That’s why I‘m the top agent.  You got the best one.  I know how to sell homes.  The intown neighborhoods are in high   demand.  The first one there usually gets it.  We will get this home today.  Here we go into this lovely neighborhood.  See the shade trees?  Majestic.  Smell the honeysuckle?  Heavenly.  We’re here. Oh, yes, you did say that you already saw the home.  One quick look is all it takes.  I bet you already have mental ownership.  Yes, Hon, this is already your ‘home, sweet, home.’”

“Oh, Jim, this is my home.  I want it.  I can see the window boxes of red geraniums.  Can’t you?  Doris is right.  No need to look inside, you are a handyman.  We will fix it up.  I am so excited,” said, Jillian.  ”Now, Jill, calm down a little bit.  We do have to look a little closer at  the home.  Maybe we need to call Roy to do an inspection.  He will be able to tell us about the shape of the house and what needs to be done.  I’m going to be doing the work. I need to know,” said Jim, in a bit of an anxious voice.  ”Oh, Honey, don’t cry.  You want the home, we’ll get it and forget about the inspection.  We’re nervous.  We’re about to sign our lives away.  That’s what I thought on our wedding day, but here we are happily ever after,” said Jim, again.

“Okay, folks, we’ll take a quick look, sign the papers, then get out of here.  All laugh.  Doris thinking to herself.  You darn right, we are going to get this home first, today.  That Rosemary is a sly one.  She beat me out of the bungalow, two houses down.  I really sold the home, it was my listing.  I should get all of the commission.  I don’t share anything. 

“I really like the house.  It’s got charm.  Just like my gram’s old neighborhood.  She had a   home just like this one, Jim.  I think I’m going to cry, I’m so happy and excited.  My home!”

“Okay, let’s take a look, then run.  Beautiful home, and oh what a porch.  Lemonade in the rockers.  The steps?  Nothing wrong with them.  What do you mean that there are loose  buckled boards with rusted nails popping up?  Just get a hammer and nail them down again.  A loose rail, here?  See, this can be secured with a power drill.  The stairs are pulling away from the porch?  I don’t think so.  What do you mean there are brown spots in the lawn?  A little grass fertilizer will bring it back to life.  No big deal.  He’s getting difficult.       I know how to deal with a fault finder.  I’ll work with her, not him.

“Oh, Jillian, you’re rocking in the rocker.  And the baby will love it.  No baby yet?  Once you settle in, before a romantic dinner by candlelight, there will be all night loving.  Oh, that just slipped out.  Just reminds me of my nights with Charlie.  Yes, we had five of them.  All from loving.”

Jillian to Jim, “Honey, come on up next to me.  Sit here, in this rocker.  This is a nice sturdy rocker for a stud of a man.  That man is you.  What do you mean, don’t talk like that, it’s embarrassing?  But you’re my man, and I’m your woman.  No need to pace, everything will be all right.”  ”You’re right, Jill, all will be fine.  Already worrying about our baby. Worrying about the future.”  ”Honey, the future is now.  Tomorrow will be tomorrow.  Let’s enjoy today.”

“Ready to sign the papers?  We can go as low as you want on the bid, the seller is really motivated.  She will take your offer.  Doris to herself. The seller said she will take anything for the house to unload it.  I don’t need any more questions.  He will never know about the problem, it’s between me and the owner.  

Jim to Doris, “I just don’t know.  There seems to be some problems.  Loose boards, the porch is missing some decking, I saw some scratches on the warped grayed boards. Some of the wood looks rotten underneath the porch.  Could there be something wrong, Doris?”

“I know what you’re concerned about, it’s not a wood infestation.  The house is just old.   Old houses need a lot of care.  Yes, you will have to do some work on the house, you already know it.  But some things will be minor, like replacing a few rotten boards.  I’m sure there are not many.  Look at Jillian, she’s already at home.  Come on Jim, let’s sign  the papers.”   “Let’s sign the papers, Honey.  No time to waste.  We got to get out of here.” All laugh.

Doris to herself.  I don’t know why I do this kind of work.  Most of the time it’s easy.  This time it’s not.  They’re young.  I know he doesn’t know much about fixing houses, but you got to push for the sale, otherwise they will never move forward.  They don’t know it, but I’m doing them a favor.  I own the house.  I’d like to give it to them.  I am so sorry I didn’t tell the whole truth about other houses I’ve sold, but this time I have told the truth.

“Ready to sign?  Half price, already on the paper.  Here, sign here and here.  The house is sold ‘as is,’  Now the seller needs to sign the paper.  Doris M. Malone.  That’s me.  Now, let me get out of here.  Enjoy your life here.”

At least that Rosemary didn’t get this one.  We just hate each other, at times.  That happens in this business.  Cut throat, at times.   But good times like this one.

Walk softly with your life.  Don’t be hard on yourself.  Be soft.

The Havana Cafe                                                                                                                                 Tampa, Florida

“Jose, tienes que limpiar las mesas. Los clientes están esperando. Pronto!”                         “Jose, you have tables to clear.  Customers are waiting.  Pronto!”

“I’ll be right there, Carmina.  Four tables are ready.”

Carmina to Diego, “Four pressed Cubanos.  All the way.  Pronto!” “Yes, Carmina,         orders are up.”

“Senors, there’s a booth over there.  All set and ready for you,” said Carmina.

“Hello, I’m Alana, your beverages?”  ”Mango Tango.”  ”Cafe con Leche.”  ”Just water.”     “A Coconut Creme, please.”  ”Thank you, gentlemen.”  ”Here you are.  Mango, leche,   water and  cream.  I see your sandwiches are ready.  Senors, cubano, cubano, cubano,     and cubano.  Enjoy!”

“Jose, tienes que limpiar las mesas. Los clientes están esperando. Pronto!”                     “Jose, you have tables to clear.  Customers are waiting.  Pronto!”

Jose is a busboy.  He’s the only busboy.  He has three things to do.                                         He clears the tables.  He washes the dishes, and he sets the tables.                                     And he does whatever he’s told to do.  He never complains.  Always                                 greets customers with a smile.  He has class.  He has finesse.

Alana is the hostess and server.  She greets guests, seats them and is very               attentive to their needs.  ”Welcome, I’m Alana.  May I have the honor of                                 serving you? ”  She is friendly.  She has class.  She has finesse.

Diego is the cook and sandwich maker.  Prepares sandwiches custom to order.                   He does it well and the customers know it.  Never forgets to make the sandwiches                 just right to the customer’s delight.  He takes orders well.  Carmina knows how to yell them out to him.  ”Hey, Diego.  We have eight guests waiting.  Cubano, chilli.  Cubano, gazpachos. Cubano, avocado.  Cubano, salad.  Cubano, pressed and cut.  Cubano, vegetables, no meat. Cubano, cubano, two.  Cubano, add extras peppers.  Got it?”  ”Yes, Carmina.”  Diego thinking to himself.  She’s a bossy thing.  So demanding.  I don’t know how much longer I can take her.  So obnoxious.  But, I have a job to do.  So get to it, Diego. Pronto!   By the way, he has class and he has finesse, too.  He knows how to take good care of the luncheon guests.

Now, there’s Carmina.  She is the owner and the manager.  Some finesse, but loses it when the pressure is on.  She panics when the luncheon crowd increases.  She gets overwhelmed by their demands and needs to get them in and out and on their way.  She yells out orders, she rings up sales.  It’s up to her to keep the patrons moving at a steady pace.  She is very dependent on Jose and Alana.  Without them, she would be a nervous wreck, but she already is.  She can lose her patience and can be rude to rude and demanding customers. No longer a friendly greeting.  Just herding the cattle in and out the door.  Always makes sure no one leaves without paying, even if the service is bad. She ain’t in business for nothing.  No free food.  Thinks to herself.  No free lunch on me.  This ain’t the soup kitchen.  These people, all dressed in business attire, think they can run my business.     Oh no, I run this show.

“Jose, tienes que limpiar las mesas. Los clientes están esperando. Pronto!”                     “Jose, you have tables to clear.  Customers are waiting.  Pronto!”

“Hey, Jose.  Can you help me out?  I have eight guests to seat.  I need two tables pulled       together, now!  Please hurry up.  Customers are waiting.  Pronto!”  Now, Alana is feeling the pressure.  Jose to Alana, “Right away, boss.  Pronto!”  Both laugh.

Jose to Alana, “Just look at her.  She’s about to crack up.  About ready to snap at any moment.”  Alana says, “If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen.” “Jose, I need       to tell you something.  I’m leaving after this shift.  Start at the Barcelona on Friday. Carmina doesn’t know.  I will wait till the rush is over and before I leave at three, I will tell her.  I have to leave, the Barcelona is a big step up for me.”  ”The Barcelona?  You’re going to work there?  Can you take me with you?  It makes me sad, but I’m glad for you.  You deserve to be at the Barcelona, you have class and you have finesse.  I’ll miss you.”  Alana hugs Jose and gives him a kiss.  She holds his hands and saying, “Your day will come.  I know you have a dream.  It will happen for you.  Dreams do come true.”

It’s just past noon, the line grows in size and many are waiting outside the door.  Carmina sees them out the smudge filled glass.  The name “Havana Cafe” is painted on the glass and it has peeled and cracked over the years.   So has Carmina.  Peeled and nearly cracked for good.

Carmina ringing up sales at the register.  She says, “Your lunch satisfactory?  Thank you.”   “Your lunch satisfactory?”  ”Yes, Carmina.  Are you okay?  You really look stressed.  I’m concerned about you,” said Anna Marie.  ”Oh, I’m fine.  Just a bit nervous.  That’s all.”  In a low voice to Anna Marie, “I have issues and I’m seeing the doctor.  He’s really helping me out.  He’s pushing me to shut this place down.  But, it’s Harry’s dream.  That was forty years ago.  Got to keep the business going for him.”  ”Just concerned, Carmina.  Glad you are getting help.  Love you dear.”  A quick hug and Anna Marie is on her way.

“Senora, please, my client and I have to sign some papers.  Only twenty minutes, then we must go.  A table for two?”  ”Yes, senor, right over there in the corner.  It’s private and quiet there.”

Very impatient business woman says, “What’s taking so long?  You are so disorganized.”     “I do my best, lady.”  ”Don’t you know anything about time management?  Is the manager here?”  ”You’re looking at her.”  ”This is ridiculous.  I want to talk with the owner.”    You’re looking at her.”  Lady leaves in a huff saying to customers waiting in line,           “Hey, you others, it’s not worth the wait.  I’d leave, if I were you.”

“I need a table now!” said irritated, demanding man.  Carmina responds, “Well, is that so?  Seat yourself at that dirty table over there.  Someone may be with you soon.”

“Jose, tienes que limpiar las mesas. Los clientes están esperando. Pronto!”                     “Jose, you have tables to clear. Customers are waiting.  Pronto!”  Jose replies, “Okay, Carmina, okay.”

Carmina feeling more pressure at front counter.  Continues to take orders and ringing up     sales.  ”That will be ten dollars and ninety-nine cents. Gracias, come back soon.”  ”Don’t     think so.  You are so slow. Can’t you speed it up?  Here’s a quarter.  Next time, you may get a dime, too.”  ”You are too kind, sir.  Thank you for the tip.  Have a mint.”  ”Here’s your money.”  Man throws money on counter.  ”It’s all there.  I know you can’t count.  By the way, here’s that extra dime.”  He leaves and kicks open the door.  Cursing as he goes out the door.

It’s the end of the lunch rush.  Carmina with heart pounding and feeling dizzy sits in a chair and says, “Maybe my doctor is right.  This has become too much for me.  I just hate to disappoint, Harry.”

Alana sits down at table with Carmina.  ”I need to tell you something.  I’m leaving.  Start at the Barcelona on Friday.  It’s been great working here, but I must move on.”  Carmina shocked at the news,  starts shaking and says to Alana, “What am I going to do?  I depend on you and Jose so much.  Please don’t leave.”  ”I’ve got to go.  Good luck.”

“Jose, it’s just me and you and Diego, now.  I need you to do Alana’s job, too.  So, please don’t let me down.”  ”I won’t Carmina,  I promise.”  So weeks go by and they manage to get the customers taken care of haphazardly.  Carmina yells out to Jose.  ”Please hurry, I have guests to seat.  No time to waste.”  ”Come this way sirs, welcome to the Barcelona, I mean, to the Havana.  I have a table over there.”  Jose starts to daydream and thinking to himself.  I need to move on, too.  I have to go to a better restaurant where I can use my finesse.  I have class and know how to take good care of the customers.  I want to go to the Barcelona, too. Maybe my dream will come true.  I will pray to the virgin.  She will intercede for me.  Thank you, holy mother of God.

Jose continues to do as he is told.  He greets all guests with a genuine smile.  He says, again,”Welcome to the Barcelona, I mean the Havana.  This way please.”

“Please, senora, seat us now.  We don’t have much time.”  ”Alana, it’s you.  Welcome back.  Ready to work?”  Alana replies, “No, Carmina,  My friend and I just need two leches and flans.”

“Jose, we have special guests, seat them now.  They are already over there.  Treat them nice.”

“Yes, ladies, welcome to the Barcelona, I mean the Havana.”  Both women laugh.  ”Alana, it’s you. So good to see you.  And you ma’am, welcome as well.  The best dining experience for you.  At your service.”

“We’re actually here to see you.  I wanted Maria to see you in action.”  Maria to Jose, “You are just what I need at the Barcelona. You do your job so well.  You have class.  You have finesse.”  Jose says to Maria, “Thank you, so much.  I do my best.”  Maria to Jose,  ”Here’s my card, come see me.”   Jose looks at business card.  Barcelona.  Maria Barcelona, General Manger.  ”Wow,” said Jose.   “I’m Maria Barcelona.  It’s our family name and business. Established for nearly fifty years.  Excuse me, I have a phone call to make.  I’ll be right back.”

Alana to Jose, “I brought Maria here to see you in action.  I can tell she is pleased.  She would never give anyone her business card, unless she is serious about hiring them.  I’ll see you soon at the Barcelona.”  Jose smiles and gives Alana a hug, then holds her by her arms saying, “You came through for me.”  ”Yes, I did, Jose.  I planned it all along that you would go with me.”  Maria returns, “Jose I’ll see you on Wednesday.  We will talk about what you will do at the Barcelona.  You will fit in well.  Welcome to the Barcelona.”

Jose gets hired and is working at the Barcelona.  He is so happy and he is taking good care of the guests. Finesse with caress.

By week’s end, Carmina tells customers, particularly the regulars, “I’m closing the restaurant.  Next Friday, I will close the doors for good.  My doctor and Harry would     want me to do it.  I’m taking their advice.”  Patrons, each, tell Carmina, “Thank you so much for being here for us.  Yes, Harry would be proud”  All applaud.

Jose gets his dream.  Dreams do come true.  ”Welcome to the Barcelona,” Jose says with a bright smile.  He made his dream come true, along with the help of Alana and Maria. Carmina helped him, too.  She prepared him to become his best.

“Jose, tienes que limpiar las mesas. Los clientes están esperando. Pronto!”  ”Jose, you have tables to clear.  Customers are waiting.  Pronto!”

Language Arts 101–The Art of Signature.

“Okay students, welcome to penmanship class.  My name is Mrs. Holgaralduski.”

“What kind of name is that?” said Marvin Lee.  “Sounds like ‘hoagie sandwich’ to me,”      said Molly.  “Mrs. Hoagie, Hoagie, Hoagie,” said Joey in a smart aleck mockery of Mrs. Holgaralduski.  All of the class laughs with him, except Ginnie Mae.

“Now, I don’t need any of you making fun of my name.  It’s aristocratic.  I come from a very distinguished family.  It’s my husband’s name and I won’t stand for this ridicule.      Get it?  Simple.”

Ginnie Mae said “Mrs. Holgaralduski, don’t pay any attention to these monkeys.             They have no manners and should be caged.  I like your name, and welcome to our academy.”

“Thank you, Ginnie Mae.  I can tell, already, you come from a home where education          is valued.  A special welcome to you.”

“Your name, ma’am, how do you pronounce it?  I really want to know,” said Patsy Ann.

“Okay, class, I’ll pronounce it and write it on the board.  Now, pay attention, please.              Hol-ga-ral-dus-ki.  Holgaralduski.  It’s Mrs. Holgaralduski.  Say it with me.”  Teacher       and students say it together.  Hol-ga-ral-dus-ki.  “Wonderful, class.  A good try for the       first time.”

Two of the students, Marvin Lee and Joey, didn’t even try to pronounce it with the rest of the class.  “Hogs are dusty,” said Marvin Lee.  Joey said “It still sounds confusing to me. Lets see,  ‘Mrs. Horseradish n’ tea.’  Is that better, ma’am?”  Mrs. Holgaralduski  responds,  “No , it’s not.  I can see you two are trouble.  I want you, boys, up here in front of me.  No more wisecracks.  Get it?  Simple.”

Mrs. Holgaralduski says to class, “I want all of you to know, if any student gets out of hand in this class, I have a surveillance camera, in here, recording it all.  You will regret it.  Each DVD, in high definition,  goes to the principal every day. Get it?  Simple.”

Tommy Lee to Mrs. Holgaralduski, “Do we have to take this class?  I don’t want to be here.”  “Me, neither,” said Joey.  Sally thinking to herself… I can tell this is gonna be bor-ing.  It already is.  There must be a way I can get exempt from this class.
Molly, chewing her bubble gum and popping bubbles, said, “We don’t need cursive.          It’s stone age.  We prefer to text.”

“This class is mandatory.  You children must learn cursive, at least to sign your signatures.  Students, you should have learned cursive in second grade.  All of you are preteens, now.     You must learn it.  That’s why you are here.  Get it?  Simple.”

“Mrs. Holgaralski, can I show you something?”  “Of course, Ben.  You’re in seat number seven.”  “See, this is a cell phone.  We text on here.”  “I have a cell phone, but have never  texted.  I didn’t know my phone had that capability.”  Ben continues with his instructions on how to text a message.  “Just press messaging.  Key in to whom.  Then type your message on the screen.  For example, ‘I see you are late for class.’  We abbreviate, shorten the message with letters and symbols.  Here’s your message in text.  ‘I c u r late 4 class.’   Press send and it is transmitted to your contact.  Get it?  Simple.”

Mrs. Holgaralduski thinking to herself…These kids have learned a new way to communicate.  Maybe they don’t need cursive at all.  I will take a different approach with them.

“Class, you have taught me something.  There are many new ways of communicating these days.  New technology is great, but a text is not a signature.  You must at least learn the   letters in your name and learn to write them in cursive.  You will be signing your names for the rest of your lives.  Any important document will need to be signed by you.  A signature is necessary.”  “We have electronic signatures now, don’t need hand written signatures,” said Molly.  “What is an electronic signature, Molly?”

“Sometimes it’s called an e-signature.  It’s a secret code, that only you know, that’s encrypted, hidden, sent along with your documents.  The receiver enters a code to authenticate that it’s your signature connected to the documents you sent.  Then it opens the document.  That’s it.  Get it?  Simple.”

“Class, I have a homework assignment for you.  It’s very simple and it will be you only assignment for the entire semester.  I want each of you to bring a letter, a note, anything with a signature on it.  I prefer that it be someone you know.  Your mom or dad, or someone else you know that is special to you.  Bring two, so that we can compare them.  See you all next week.”

“Good morning, class.  Greet me, please.  All attempt to say it correctly.  “Good morning, Mrs. Holga.”  “That’s great.  Only part of it, but next week, I want you to add more.  Next week, we will add ral to Holga to make it Holgaral.  That’s Hol-ga-ral.  Practice, please.”

“Now, to cursive.  What is cursive?  Does anyone know?”  No answers, except Ginnie Mae. “Mrs. Holgaralduski, it’s circular letters.  Most of the curvature letters have a curve to them.”  “Correct, Ginnie Mae.  You are advanced in your language skills.  The rest of the class can learn from you.  Thank you, Ginnie Mae.”

“Here are a couple of examples of cursive signatures.  They are famous names in American history.  This one is John Hancock.  A signer of the Declaration of Independence.  He wrote his signature large enough so that the British crown would see that he, too, was declaring his independence from England.  Notice how well his signature is written.  It’s in cursive, but it has style.  It is his mark of distinction.”

“The next signature is a US president.  Does anyone recognize it?  It’s Abraham Lincoln.  Notice that his name is written with less flair than John Hancock.  Both men were important, but Mr. Lincoln’s signature, I feel, denotes that he was a humble and an unpretentious man.  Both are famous signatures that have been seen by many for years.”

“Now, your signatures.  Place your documents on top of your desks.  I will come around to look at them.  Yes, indeed, these signatures are unique and have style.  We will look at some of them.  Who wants to go first?”  “Me, first!” said Marie.  “Go ahead, Marie, show us what you have.”  “These three signatures are my dad’s.  The first one is normal, the way he first learned cursive.  You can read the letters.  The last two are scribble scratch.  He’s a doctor.  This is the way he always signs his name today, always scribbled.”  “You know, class, there are many ways to sign your name.  As you learn to write your signature in cursive, you may develop your own style of writing your name later.  Although Marie’s dad’s signature, she calls scribble scratch, doesn’t show any cursive letters, it’s how he signs his name.  It’s his mark of distinction.  It’s the style of his signature.”

“Who’s next?”  “I have one Mrs. Holga.  But it’s in German, and it’s my grandfather’s.”  “Tell us his name, Umberto.”  “It’s Franz Zeifenheimmer.”  “Language doesn’t matter.  Show us what you have with you.”  “It’s only two letters, an “f” and a “z.”  Mrs. Holgaralduski points  out, “Two letters are fine.  You have a lower case f and a lower case z.  Both have loops.  A very fine signature.  I see the other letter you have, the signature is the same.  This is his signature.  It has style to it.  It’s his mark of distinction. ”

“One last one.  Okay, Ginnie Mae, I see you are eager to share.  ‘I have two.  My dad’s signature.  Wealther Worth.  He signs it with two coiled w’s.  See, it’s the same here.  He makes lots of money.  I want my signature to be just like his.’”  Mrs. Holgaralduski said to Ginnie Mae.  “Your signature will not be his, but yours.  It will be your mark of distinction.”

“Here’s my signature.  Voncile Holgaralduski.  I sign it with a symbol, for the name is so long.  See, it’s a V that looks like a heart.  It is my unique signature.  It has style and it is my mark of distinction.”

Last week of class.  “Okay class, greet me with my full name.”  Students confidently reply,  “Good morning, Mrs. Holgaral..duski.”  You all did it.  Now each one of you show the class your cursive signature.  Molly proudly shows her signature.  “Molly Brown.”  “Very good, Molly.”  “Thank you , Mrs. Holgaralduski.”

“Ben, please share your signature with the class.” “My full name is Benjamin Beemer.     My signature has been shortened.  I only use the two capital B’s.  Capital B arch B.”  “I like the arch between the B’s.  It’s like a bridge connecting the two.  I like it Ben.  It’s short and brief and is creative.  It’s your mark of distinction.”

“Okay, Willie, you’re up next.”  “I’m ashamed of it.  I wrote it like my gramp.  He couldn’t read or write.  This is it.  Just a ‘w.’”  “But, Willie, it has style and the tail of the w crosses back across the w.  I think there are two letters.  A “w” and a “t.”  What’s your gramps last name?”  “Tanner, ma’am.  Willie Tanner.” “That’s his signature.  A great signature and his mark of distinction.”

“Class, we have all learned that our signatures have style and are our marks of distinction.  It doesn’t matter how you sign it.  It is your style of writing it.  You all have done well and have passed this class.  Pick up your certificates as you leave, but you must sign your name, as best you can, in cursive to get it.”

Signatures are your marks of distinction.  They all have a style to them.  A signature is an  expression of you on paper.  It does reveal something about you. So be proud of it. : )

Chicken House on Red Rooster Road                                                                                   Valdosta, Georgia

When the rooster crows, the hens lay eggs.  “Here comes Boss Wringer.  I wonder what he’s gonna crow about this mornin?” said Ester Lee.  “He looks very concerned and is moving kinda fast toward the hen house.  This makes me nervous.  I think I’m gonna need a nerve pill.  I just know it,” said Florence shaking and fluttering.

“Girls, get ahold of yourselves.  I know what it’s about.  It’s a request and not an order. Our eggs are in high demand right now.  Girls, don’t panic, just listen to him.”  Boss Wringer walks inside the hen house.  “Mornin, girls, look plump and juicy this mornin. I have some news to tell you about and it does make me a bit distressed.  Two chicken houses have shut down and have been converted over to poultry plants.  We don’t want that, lordy-lordy.”

“Well, what happened to the hens, Boss Wringer?  Were they transferred to another chicken farm?” said Laydalee.  “I’m afraid to say.  Well, their necks were wrung and each wound up on the butcher’s block.   They were southern fried or became stock in a noodle soup.”

“Oh no, they didn’t?” said Ester Lee.  “Yes, that’s what happened girls, but we can prevent this from happening here.  We can determine our future and not let fate lead our way” said Boss Wringer.  “This is just shocking.  I can’t bear the thought of it,” said Florence and she said further “I’m about to faint, girls.  Help me.  Someone please catch me.”

Isabella voiced “I need to save my neck.  I’m the lead soprano in the chicken choir. My vocal chords are tightening up.  I’ll do anything to save myself.  Anything!”  “I got mouths to feed,” said  Laydalee in a sobering tone.  And she said “My chicks depend on me for feed.  For them, I will not let this get the best of me.  I gonna come out fighting,  just like Rocky.”

“Each of the two chicken houses had one hundred hens.  They produced one thousand eggs per week.  So, I have made an agreement with ‘Eggs on Demand’ that we could meet their need for one thousand eggs each week,” said Boss Wringer.

“Oh my,” said Ester Lee and she said “We’re doing good to lay our one normal egg each day.  This is not doable.  What do they think we are, an egg factory? “  Henrietta to Ester “Hon, we are an egg factory.  We’ve just got to produce.  A lot of hard work, but if we work together and efficiently, I believe we can do it.”  Boss Wringer agreed.

“Boss man, we’ll do our best, but I need to remind you of what happened last year when you pushed us to produce more eggs,” said Henrietta.  “Go on, tell me.  I think I already know the effect of it all.  Not good,” said Boss Wringer.

“Remember Geraldine?  She collapsed and mm…mm…mm, bless her heart.  And Florence, she’s now on nerve pills and our elder hen, Irene, is still in chicken psychotherapy.  She nearly lost her mind from the strain of it all.  And…”  “Tell me no more, Henrietta.                 I remember it all.  That will never happen again,” said Boss Wringer.

“Well said, boss.  Now, girls, as Wringer said, we need to produce one thousand eggs per week.  Relax for the rest of the day.  Tomorrow morn, when the rooster crows, hens lay eggs.  Now, go nibble on some chicken feed.  See you at the crack of dawn,” said Henrietta.

In place on the fence post, outside the barn, Boss Wringer crows out “Cock-a-doodle-doo.  Cock-a-doodle-doo!”  “Okay, girls, on your nests and start a laying.  Cackle, cackle, one egg down chute.  Cackle, cackle, another egg down chute and another and another.  Conveyor filled with eggs.

After one hour, Henrietta yells out, “Stop production.  Break time.  Fifteen minute stretch and back on nests.  Ladies, this is wonderful, you doubled your production in one hour.  Two hundred eggs laid.”  After another hour, two hundred more eggs down chutes.  Three hours later, five hundred eggs.”

“Chickadees, what got you motivated?” asked Henrietta.  Laydalee and Ester Lee said “That poster of him.  Brutus the rooster.  He’s a massage therapist and he is one hunk of a bird.  Boss Wringer said whoever triples production, gets an hour with him for a private massage.”  Henrietta announces “And the winner is…all of you.  Each one of you will get a fifteen minute massage with Brutus.  Ten today and the others over the next two days.  We’re off till Monday.  Enjoy your time with Brutus.”  Ester Lee says with excitement “Oh, I will and me first.”

A rooster can crow.  A demand can be made.  Pamper a hen and you may get more eggs.

copyright 2012 Frank Clark

Dixie’s–”the prime place for steak.”                                                                                            Cattletown, Texas

The power of suggestion.  One of the most persuasive ways is to make a subtle statement.   The most effective ads today are subliminal.  Not direct, but indirect, but heard over and   over again, till the customer believes that it’s true and that it’s right for him.  So he takes the bait. This story will demonstrate how the power of a subliminal statement can convince customers at Dixie’s to choose their “juicy prime steak” just by a subliminal  suggestion.

A crowded restaurant, Dixie’s, filled to the brim with diners.  A leisure lunch.  Business lunch.  Power lunch.  Just lunch.  It’s so crowded that it takes time to take and to deliver  their orders as quickly as they normally do.  So, in the mean time, luncheon guests enjoy pleasant conversation with a thirst quenching beverage while they wait and listen to  country pop tunes played overhead in the sound system throughout the restaurant.

“Hey, Bubba.  Darlene, you look great.  What can I getcha?  I know it’s hoppin in here right now, but I’ll put you at the top of my prime list,” said Maxine.  “Can you give us a few minutes, Maxine?  We have one more coming.  Don’t know what’s the hold up with Donna Sue,” said Darlene and she said “should be here shortly, then we will be ready to order.”   “The same ice tea for all of you?”  “Yes, ma’am,” all said.  Be right back folks.”

Music playing over sound system.  “Rockin and rollin at the honky-tonk.  The place where guy meets girl.  Love is in their eyes, but they don’t know it.  Our juicy prime steak is the one for you.  For love may be the thing for you.”

“Well, Donna Sue, where ya been?” said Bubba.  “Waitin in the line at the post office.  Just for one single stamp.  They are pushin the book now and said the single stamps will soon be gone.  Waitin thirty minutes for a postage stamp.”  “Donna Sue, ice tea is on it’s way.  We haven’t ordered yet.  Maxine will be back soon to take our orders,” said Darlene.

“Listen goz, said Donna Sue.  That’s Dolly’s new hit.”  “A hillbilly heart is so sincere.  It’s from the heart and know that it’s so  real.  Just remember our juicy prime steak are just a grillin.  It’s the thing that’s just for you.  A hillbilly heart is so sincere.  A hillbilly heart made just for you.”  Donna Sue singing along with Dolly.  “A hillbilly heart is so sincere.  It’s from the heart and know that it’s so real.  Just remember our juicy prime steak are just a grillin.  It’s the thing that’s just for you.  A hillbilly heart is so sincere.  A hillbilly heart made just for you.”

Maxine returns.  “Okay, folks, wha-da-ya have?  Hey, Donna Sue.”  “Juicy prime steak.  Juicy prime steak,” said Darlene and Bubba.  Donna Sue, “for some reason, juicy prime steak comes to mind.  I’ll have it, too.”  Back soon.  Maxine thinking to herself, “Hillbilly Heart works every time.  Donna Sue doesn’t even know that the lyrics with the message    ‘juicy prime steak’ convinced her that it was her choice to make and she did it.  Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!”

“Ben, where have you been?  We need to close this deal now. Only thirty minutes.  Sign here, Gilmer.  Ben, here.  I will notarize.  I am a notary.  Always been.  Have to be ready to seal the deal.”  Ben to Eddie “Sorry, Eddie.  You’re always in a hurry.  Fast Eddie!”  “Okay, fellas the deal is done.  A one hundred thousand dollar deal for three floors of office cubes.  Lunch is on me.  How does juicy prime steak sound?  It just sounds like a good deal, I mean an excellent choice for three hungry men.”  “Good to me,” said Ben.  “Me too,” said Gilmer.

“Hello, gals.  Where ya been?” said Bertha.  “Pretending that we know how to play bridge, but we don’t,” laughingly said Doris.  “We deal the cards, then play fish,” said Iris.  “We enjoy the bridge mix and then lollygag and gossip the rest of the time.” said Anna Belle.  Bertha to the three “where’s your fourth, June Bug?”  “Couldn’t stay.  Big dinner plans.  Likes to prepare a nice meal with the entree, of course, being the juicy prime steak,” said Doris.  “Ice tea for all three?”  “Yes, ma’am, Miss Bertha,” said Anna Belle.  “Back in a jiffy.”

Doris to Iris and Anna Belle “Every time I come in here, I always listen for Elvis.  I just love his trilogy of ‘Dixie and the Land of Cotton.’  Just brings tears to my eyes.”  Iris to the other ladies “Hey, listen, that’s an old tune of Loretta’s she never released.  Just listen and it just about tells the truth about some men.  It’s called ‘Fetch Me That Man.’  Good tune, but he ain’t no man to catch.”

“Fetch me that man.  He’s the only man I ever dared.  I’m ready for his heart, but I’m not in his heart.  A juicy prime steak will cure the ill in your heart.  He’s a sorry catch of a man.”   “Ready to order, girls?” said Bertha.  “Juicy prime steak, juicy prime steak and juicy prime steak,” all three agree.  Bertha to herself “Just unbelievable, ‘Fetch Me That Man’ with that subliminal line caught every one of them.”

“Hey, Miss Marie,” said all three youngsters.  “Hey to you darlins and hey to you Mama.”    “Marie, the kids will all have the juicy prime burgers and I’ll have the same, too.”  “All juicy coolers for you, babies?”  All three say “Yes ma’am, Miss Marie.”  Comin up!”

Geoffrey to his mom, “Hey, Mama, that’s your favorite song.  You and Miss Marie always like the lyrics.”  “Hey Bev, here’s the meal.  Enjoy!”  “Here’s our song Ree.  Just listen.”   “Only a woman understands a woman.  A man will never understand.  A juicy prime burger, a man will never know.  Juicy prime burgers do understand.”

Dixie to restaurant staff “We broke a record today.  We served ninety six juicy prime steaks in our three hour lunch.  Ninety six is just unbelievable.  We’re gonna keep our same tunes with our subliminal line “juicy prime steak” for quite some time.  Sing Dolly’s song with me and then a juicy prime steak lunch for all of us.”

“A hillbilly heart is so sincere.  It’s from the heart and know that it’s so real.  Just remember our juicy prime steak are just a grillin.  It’s the thing that’s just for you.               A hillbilly heart is so sincere.  A hillbilly heart made just for us!”

“Hey, stop by Dixie’s.  There’s a juicy prime steak waiting just for you.”

copyright 2012  Frank Clark

They’re here!  But, we don’t know it or do we?                                                                         Must be a way to find them.  I’ll investigate!

Mr. Jones, across the street, mowing his lawn in a different pattern.  Normally he cuts his grass in a straight path, back and forth across the lawn. But, today, he is mowing the lawn    in circular patterns leaving three circles in the lawn.

The odd thing about him today, although he’s always odd, he’s wearing a yellow plastic funnel atop his head strapped to his chin by a red rubber band.

Later in the day, Mr. Jones returns to his front lawn with a bucket of yellow powder.           He sprinkles the yellow power in each circle and then uses a ball field marker to chalk in red fluorescent pinwheels to glow in the dark at night.  After applying the chalk, Mr. Jones   turns around and his eyes are aglow in red as he returns inside his house.  He is still wearing a yellow plastic funnel atop his head strapped to his chin by a red rubber band.

Could it be?                                                                                                                          do.do.do.do

Little blond headed, Sally Goldstein, standing outside the supermarket next to a card table, soliciting the sale of her Girl Scout cookies.  Sally says:  “we have a new cookie called     Alien Butters.”  Noticed that the cookies are frosted in yellow and iced on the top with red   pinwheels.  Sally, too, was wearing a yellow plastic funnel atop her head strapped to her chin by a red rubber band.  She’s wearing sunglasses and when she removes them later at sun down, her eyes are aglow in red.  She leaves in a trance like state.

Could it be?                                                                                                                                     do.do.do.do

Entered Get n’ Go and observed cashier Lorraine Bumblebee wearing a yellow plastic funnel atop her head strapped to her chin by a red rubber band.  Lo-raine says:  “We’re runnin a special  on yeller plastic funnels.  See automotive!”  See yellow plastic funnels hanging from 2 hooks, 6 funnels each.  Pulled one off to take a closer look.  A red label glued on the side which read:  manufactured by Alien Industries, Roswell, NM.  Priced at one dollar.  I’ll buy two.  Looked inside funnel.  There was a red foreign script with unrecognizable symbols.  As I left the store, saw that Lorraine’s eyes were aglow in red.

Could it be?                                                                                                                                 do.do.do.do

This is really different.  Entered McDonald’s one Saturday morning around 11:30 am.        See a little girl’s birthday party over to the right.  All the children were wearing yellow plastic funnels atop their heads strapped to their chins by red rubber bands.  Ronald was there.  He, too, was wearing a yellow plastic funnel atop his head strapped to his chin by a red rubber band.  All the kids were wearing red tinted sunglasses.  All the “Happy Meals”    contained a toy inside.  It was a small yellow rubber funnel.  As you squeezed it, made a sound like this: do.do.do.do.  One boy said:  “let’s squeeze them all together.”  In unison, do.do.do.do., do.do.do.do., do.do.do.do., do.do.do.do.

Could it be?                                                                                                                                   do.do.do.do

See the sisters entering the convent chapel for prayer.  Something different about        Sister Mary de la Sancticimo.  She is wearing a yellow plastic funnel atop her blocked head  strapped to her chin by a red rubber band.  Nothing different about her this evening except that her eyes were aglow in red.

The next evening all the sisters were wearing yellow plastic funnels atop their blocked heads strapped to their chins by red rubber bands. All the sisters were convinced by Mother Sancticimo that it was God’s will for them to wear the funneled yellow hats. They all complied.  In the chapel you could hear the sisters chanting:  do.do.do.do, do.do.do.do.      Sister Mary de la Sancticimo eyes were aglow in red.

Could it be?                                                                                                                                            do.do.do.do

One last stop-Walmart!  Heard that Walmart has aliens there all the time.  As I walked in, many were wearing yellow plastic funnels atop their heads strapped to their chins by red rubber bands. There were creatures on every aisle.  All types.  Some aliens dropped their human cover and revealed themselves as they are.  Most were dragon headed with four eyes and two yellow teeth.  All had barnacled tales that dragged behind.

As I left the store the greeter, also wearing a yellow plastic funnel atop his head strapped to his chin by a red rubber band,  said:  “come back and see us earthling.”

As I left into the parking lot, creatures were everywhere.  One approached me. It was wearing a yellow plastic funnel atop it’s head strapped to it’s chin by a red rubber band. The alien’s four eyes were aglow in red and when his dragon face mouth opened he said:  Yes, we were aliens in disguise. Many of us have come out now.  We must conquer the earth and many will remain in disguise.

I said:  “who are you?”  “where are you from?”

The alien said:  “we are plasticimos.”  “our home planet is “Vynulplastice.”    Our planet is yellow, shaped like a funnel with bands of red stardust  around it. We are a billion years ahead in time .  We must leave now.  We left behind a special agent.   You may know her.   She is Sister Mary de la Sancticimo at the local convent.  She uses the prayer chapel as her operations center.  There she is able to track and control everyone.

Farewell and do.do.do.do.  I said: do.do.do.do.

About the yellow plastic funnels.  As the funnel is placed on one’s head, the red code embedded inside activates a tracking monitor that emits a signal to the control panel in the convent prayer chapel where Sister Mary de la Sancticimo awaits to remotely control you.

They’re here!

copyright 2011 Frank Clark