Monthly Archives: March 2013

Pack of Five

“A pack of dogs, on the run?  Mutts, junkyards, pedigrees?  Crossing Pine at Magnolia?     Coming my way, get Lillie in?  Don’t need a dog n’ cat fight?  Where is Buffy?  Bring my dillywhacker, meet at street, no time to waste?  Call Lurleen?  A pack of five? On my way dear,” said Emma to Mary Lou.  “Calling Sam, our reliable dogcatcher.  He knows how to handle rabid dogs.  Catch net and whistle will subdue them all.  He’s a man of courage. We can count on Sam,” said by Mary Lou to Emma.

“Lurleen, this is Emma.  Dogs are on the loose.  Mad dogs and foaming at the mouth. Bring your artillery.”  “Hanging out my wash.  Will clothespins do?” said Lurleen. “Bring them.  Must hurry.  It’s a pack of five. Call Virginia!” said Emma in a hyper tone of voice.

“Virginia, this is Lurleen.  Vicious dogs heading your way.  Heard they are hungry.  Bring in ‘Pom Pom’ and her pork chop, too.  They can wait for lunch in pound.  Hurry.  Bring your broom.   We need to make a clean sweep.  Call Lolita.  No time to waste.  A pack of five,” said Lurleen.

“Lolita, need you right away.  Deranged dogs on the run.  I know Jim and Joyce are hiding in the closet.  Record ‘Hospital Lovers’ for later. They will still be there tomorrow. Grab your rake.  For heaven’s sake,” said hurriedly by Virginia, “And call Daberta.” “She’s watching ‘Hospital Lovers,’ too.  Never misses an episode,” said Lolita.  “Get her away from the tube.  Bring your mace, I mean your tape and lace.  We will round them up and tie them down.  Hurry!” said Virginia.

“We pick up today where we left off.  Jim eyes Joyce across the hall.   He nods his head to signal to Joyce his desire for her.  Joyce nods her head back to Jim.  ‘Hospital Lovers’ will continue in a moment.”  “Nurse Cratchet, please monitor patient in critical care.  We cannot leave him alone.  He needs to be nursed back to health.  A professional is needed.  Thank you,” said Joyce in a nervous and rushed voice.

Joyce, thinking to herself.  My lover awaits me.  My heart is pounding.  My, he looks so fine.  Jim can’t wait to get with me.  I know this is not appropriate behavior, but with Hospital Lovers, anything goes here.  

“Not a good time to call.  In the middle of things.  Rinsing greens.  Peas in the pot. Cornbread with peppers in the oven, spread with a coat of butter.  Banana pudding cooling in the fridge,” said Daberta and back to Lolita.  “Girl, I can’t miss ‘Hospital Lovers.’  Jim and Joyce just closed the hall door.  Just know it’s hot in there.  Oh, I am so hot, too.” “Killers on the run. This is urgent.  Mongrels hunting for prey.  A pack of five,” said Lolita. “Need to bring ‘Prissy.’  She knows how to charm the men.  Dabbing her with ‘Alure,’ from head to tail, as we speak,” said Daberta back to Lolita.  “Okay, bring her.  A distraction may lure to our defense.  Let’s get out of here!”     

All are meeting one street over, Carnivore Alley.  “Yes, this is risky, but we must do.  A pack of five.  All killers ready to prey.  Got your weapons, girls?  Broom, rake, mace, I mean lace, clothespins, and my dillywhacker.   Here, leather boots, coats, and pants. None of us can afford to go rabid crazy.  Must use caution, and listen to my commands. That way we will all know the plays.  A strong defense is what we need.  Ready to fight? Ready to strike?  A battle we will win,” said by Mary Lou in a commanding and spirited voice. “A pack of five.  Five of us to match their might.  Again, we will fight and we must strike,” said again by Mary Lou in a devious and shrewd snicker.

“I see them coming, over the hill.   A calvary of five.  Sprinting by ground and in air.  An aggressive assault, defeat their intent.  We must stand strong and fight to the end. Ready? Charge!” said Mary Lou with dillywhacker in hand.

“Yap,yap, yap, yap.  Growl.  Yap, yap, yap, yap.  Swat, swat, swat.  Snap, snap, snap.  Swat, snap, swat, swap, swat, snap.  “Where is Sam?” said Lurleen in a panic.  “Two at me.   Please help.  Oh, please help me.  The mace, the mace, the lace, the lace,” said Emma in a panic of fear. Swat, swat. “Take that, you little varmint,”said Virginia, as she swipes her broom.  “Let me at ’em. ” said Mary Lou with dillywhacker in hand.  Whack, whack, whack. Swat, swat, swat.  Swat, whack.  Snap, snap.  Swat, whack, swat, whack.  Snap, snap, snap. Yap, yap, yap.  “Oh, you want to fight?  How’s that whack?” said Mary Lou fighting the ferocious little mongrel.  “Take that, take that, you little killer.”  One last, swat.  One last whack.  “Now, get out of here.”  All cower away in defeat.

“Whew, what a fight,” said Emma gasping for air. “Me, too.  What a strike,” said Daberta. “Where were you?  Certainly not on the front line,”  said Lolita.  So, ‘Prissy’ fizzled out in fear?” said Mary Lou.  Virginia to all, with chin on broom.  “We really swept them away.          I really swept them away.”  “Says who?” said Lurleen irked at Virginia.  The heroine of the hour.  “We are all heroes.  We banded together and victory is our win,” said Mary Lou smiling with glee.

“I’m hungry. wings anyone?  The treats on me.  Dilly Dog?”said Daberta in an apologetic sound of voice.  “I’m in.  I’m in.  I’m in and I’m in,” said  Mary Lou, Emma, Lurleen, Lolita, and Virginia.  “Can ‘Prissy’ go, too?  She cheered you on.  On the side line, I was rooting for you,” said Daberta to all.  “Yeah, come on.  You did say the Dilly’s are on you?  Then, you’re in,” said Mary Lou.  The other’s all say.  “You’re in.”

“Did anyone see them?” said Mary Lou.  “I don’t recall, but they were small,” said Lurleen. “There’s the ‘Dilly Dog,’ up ahead.  All, in a fast pace, “here we are at the ‘Dilly Dog, Dilly Dog, Dilly Dog,”  all in unison.  “Familiar, I see,” laughingly said by Emma. “There’s the pack of five.  All killers, I see.  Ha, ha, ha,”  Lurleen exclaimed.  “There’s Sam, dog in hand and soda, the other,” said Lolita with a laugh and a smile.  “Now, ‘Prissy,’ mind your manners.  Mama’s got a dog for you,” said Daberta in a motherly way.

“Now, Sam, I knew we could count on you.  Reward this pack of five and you are forgiven,” said Mary Lou awaiting a reply.  “All of you, the pack of five, it’s on me.”  “I see you rewarded the pack of five.  A hot dog for each, I see,” said Lurleen with hands on hips and jokingly to Sam.  “All killers, I see,” said Virginia, bent over with a laugh. “Pack of five meet the pack of five,” said Sam with a gleam in his eyes and a smirk on his face.

“Muffin, Ginger, Pom Pom, Spice Girl, and Buffy.  Where have you been?  So, you’re the pack of five,” said Mary Lou.  “Muffin, bad girl,” said Emma.  “You have been naughty, Ginger.  Never again,” said Lurleen.  “I would have never thought, you in a pack of mongrels, Pom Pom.  Shame on you, shame on me.  Enjoy your dog.  No pork chop tonight,” said Virginia.  “This is just like you, Spice Girl.  You are grounded.  Oh yes, grounded.  No TV for you.  Not on my lap.  No ‘Hospital Lovers,'” said Lolita in a rebuking tone of voice.  “You know, Buffy, I warned you about this.  Back gate opened.  You’re in lock up for the rest of the day, after your hot dog,” said Mary Lou.  All laugh.

Daberta to all, “‘Hospital Lovers,’ thirty minutes away.  Ice cream on me.  Must hurry, out of the closet today.”

Walk Softly

Old Town Neighborhood.

“Walk softly, because the termites are holding hands.”

“Hello, young folks, come on in.  Ready for the keys to your new home?  I’m Doris, agent on duty today.  Can I get you a cola or coffee?  Well, all right, have a seat and we will take a look at our listings.  Excuse me, your names?  I have no manners.” “I’m Jillian, and this is my hubby, Jim.  We are ready to look at homes.” “No, you are ready to buy your home, today.    I will show you the home, point out all it’s special features and then, you will, sign on the dotted line.   That’s all you do.  I will walk you softly through it all.  We can close today,”  said Doris.  She’s the the top seller at Old Town Realty.

“Well, have you folks done some looking around?  You’re young, I bet this is your first home. I thought so.  This is special for you.  We will find the right home for you, today. Where do you want to go, intown or the burbs? It’s your choice.  Since you are young,             I already have some affordable listings for you to see.  You’ll sign your offer, today.   A lot of young people want intown, in the old neighborhoods.  I bet you do, too. These homes can be a lot of work, unless you are a handyman.  You won’t have to contract the work out, Jim.  You look like a man of knowledge.  I bet you have the know how to do it all.  Many want to do it themselves.  You can, too,” said Doris.  She wants to go for the close, today.  She will get it.  Doris, ain’t top seller for nothing.

“We’ve been driving around some old, intown neighborhoods, and we just love them.     The old red brick homes have the nice, extra wide, wooden porch with a decorative   wooden rail that wraps around all three sides.  There are old wooden steps that climb   from the walk up to the porch.  The large framed windows are great for flower boxes.           A decorative wooden entry door with very nice ornamental wrought iron bars across the door, and on the windows, too.  Also, there are two ornamental wrought iron rails up each side of the steps which rise from the walk to the porch.  I’m sure they all add value to the home,” said Jillian.

“The other houses, on this oak shaded street, have ornamental wrought iron door bars and window bars, too.  Oh, I feel home already, just thinking about it.  One last thing,              I really liked, was the nice neighborly hexagonal sidewalk that runs across the front, passing from home to home.  The walk just brings the neighborhood together,” said by Jillian in an excited tone of voice.

“The one thing I really like about the house is that the yard is small, less grass to mow.    Also, one great feature are the two hanging porch swings on each side of the porch.       Great for a summer breeze and a nice cold one, when I need it.  I’m sure we will entertain and the porch is extra wide for dinner guests for rest and relaxation, too.  They, too, can enjoy their beverage of choice on the cool shaded porch.  There will be rockers there,” said Jim.

“Sounds like you already know what you want.  Let’s get out of here.  I always say that because there is no time to waste.  Some other young couple is looking at the house right now.  We’ve got to beat them to it.  We will make the best offer that the seller won’t refuse.  You will buy your home today.  I got the papers in hand, all we’ll have to do is fill in the blanks. Then you will sign on the dotted lines, and I will present your offer. The seller will sign while you wait in the car.  This will be a fast deal, let’s get out of here,” said Doris.  They all laugh.

“All right, the old, historic, neighborhood is right up here, on the right.  Getting excited? Yes, the name of the subdivision is ‘Old Town.’  Our agency is exclusive in this neighbor   hood.  We sell most of the homes.  I sell most of the homes.  That’s why I‘m the top agent.  You got the best one.  I know how to sell homes.  The intown neighborhoods are in high demand.  The first one there usually gets it.  We will get this home today.  Here we go into this lovely neighborhood.  See the shade trees?  Majestic.  Smell the honeysuckle?  Heavenly.  We’re here. Oh, yes, you did say that you already saw the home.  One quick look is all it takes.  I bet you already have mental ownership.  Yes, Hon, this is already your ‘home, sweet, home.'”

“Oh, Jim, this is my home.  I want it.  I can see the window boxes of red geraniums.  Can’t you?  Doris is right.  No need to look inside, you are a handyman.  We will fix it up.  I am so excited,” said, Jillian. “Now, Jill, calm down a little bit.  We do have to look a little closer at  the home.  Maybe we need to call Roy to do an inspection.  He will be able to tell us about the shape of the house and what needs to be done.  I’m going to be doing the work. I need to know,” said Jim, in a bit of an anxious voice. “Oh, Honey, don’t cry.  You want the home, we’ll get it and forget about the inspection.  We’re nervous.  We’re about to sign our lives away.  That’s what I thought on our wedding day, but here we are happily ever after,” said Jim, again.

“Okay, folks, we’ll take a quick look, sign the papers, then get out of here.” All laugh. Doris thinking to herself,  You darn right, we are going to get this home first, today.  That Rosemary is a sly one.  She beat me out of the bungalow, two houses down.  I really sold the home, it was my listing.  I should get all of the commission.  I don’t share anything. 

“I really like the house.  It’s got charm.  Just like my gram’s old neighborhood.  She had a home just like this one, Jim.  I think I’m going to cry, I’m so happy and excited.  My home!”

“Okay, let’s take a look, then run.  Beautiful home, and oh what a porch.  Lemonade in the rockers.  The steps?  Nothing wrong with them.  What do you mean that there are loose  buckled boards with rusted nails popping up?  Just get a hammer and nail them down again.  A loose rail, here?  See, this can be secured with a power drill.  The stairs are pulling away from the porch?  I don’t think so.  What do you mean there are brown spots in the lawn?  A little grass fertilizer will bring it back to life.  No big deal.”  He’s getting difficult.  I know how to deal with a fault finder.  I’ll work with her, not him.

“Oh, Jillian, you’re rocking in the rocker.  And the baby will love it.  No baby yet?  Once you settle in, before a romantic dinner by candlelight, there will be all night loving.  Oh, that just slipped out.  Just reminds me of my nights with Charlie.  Yes, we had five of them.  All from loving.”

Jillian to Jim, “Honey, come on up next to me.  Sit here, in this rocker.  This is a nice sturdy rocker for a stud of a man.  That man is you.  What do you mean, don’t talk like that, it’s embarrassing?  But you’re my man, and I’m your woman.  No need to pace, everything will be all right.” “You’re right, Jill, all will be fine.  Already worrying about our baby. Worrying about the future.” “Honey, the future is now.  Tomorrow will be tomorrow.  Let’s enjoy today.”

“Ready to sign the papers?  We can go as low as you want on the bid, the seller is really motivated.  She will take your offer.” Doris to herself, The seller said she will take anything for the house to unload it.  I don’t need any more questions.  He will never know about the problem, it’s between me and the owner.  

Jim to Doris, “I just don’t know.  There seems to be some problems.  Loose boards, the porch is missing some decking, I saw some scratches on the warped grayed boards. Some of the wood looks rotten underneath the porch.  Could there be something wrong, Doris?”

“I know what you’re concerned about, it’s not a wood infestation.  The house is just old. Old houses need a lot of care.  Yes, you will have to do some work on the house, you already know it.  But some things will be minor, like replacing a few rotten boards.  I’m sure there are not many.  Look at Jillian, she’s already at home. Come on Jim, let’s sign the papers.” “Let’s sign the papers, Honey.  No time to waste.  We got to get out of here.” All laugh.

Doris to herself,  I don’t know why I do this kind of work.  Most of the time it’s easy.  This time it’s not.  They’re young.  I know he doesn’t know much about fixing houses, but you got to push for the sale, otherwise they will never move forward.  They don’t know it, but I’m doing them a favor.  I own the house.  I’d like to give it to them.  I am so sorry I didn’t tell the whole truth about other houses I’ve sold, but this time I have told the truth.

“Ready to sign?  Half price, already on the paper.  Here, sign here and here.  The house is sold ‘as is,’  Now the seller needs to sign the paper.  Doris M. Malone.  That’s me. Now, let me get out of here.  Enjoy your life here.”

At least that Rosemary didn’t get this one.  We just hate each other, at times.  That happens in this business.  Cut throat, at times.   But good times like this one.

Walk softly with your life.  Don’t be hard on yourself.  Be soft.